Malachite now
by StolenProdigy
Summary: A kind of drabble about the inner workings of Jasper and Lapis before their fusion. I know some people don't like this ship but what're you going to do :)


Steven universeWell this is a change, haven't written in so long, I hope you guys like it. I do not own any material from SU

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There's nothing **anymore,** I can't hear, I can't see, I can't smell, I can't taste and I can't touch. I can't allow myself to do any of those things anymore. I can't hear her melodic laugh trailing down the corridors, I can't smell the air in the room change when she enters, I can't taste her brisk kisses, stolen for no one to see but us and I can't touch her soft skin, feel it rise and fall with every breath. All of that's been taken away from me, I'm a monster, I don't deserve the happiness in my life that she presented, the only thing I deserve is hurt, I can't concentrate anymore, not on that. I'm a monster. I'm malachite.

There's nothing anymore, I can't hear, I can't see, I can't smell, I can't taste and I can't touch. I can't allow myself to do any of those things anymore. I can't hear her protests when I touch a sensitive spot on "accident" and watch her strong frame crumple into fits of laughter, I can't see the brief expression changes when I catch her smile at the small things, forgetting there's no one around so there's no shade of pride just joy, I can't smell her on my body the day after the night before and revel in the comfort and feel the safety she presents, I can't taste the contrary of the bitter and sweet on her lips, or the concern when she's worried about me, I can't run my fingers through her hair or feel the quiver of her hand as we dance, this was the only way, I need to keep her safe, I have to concentrate. I'm malachite.

I hurt her, I hate myself for it. She never deserved this. She was good and kind and everything I ever wanted, I was happy and I wrecked it. I got obsessed, addicted to finding them, they took her away from me, from us all, I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me but it wasn't their fault, they just wanted to protect but what they were protecting was different and because of that I shunned it, it wasn't my way so it was wrong and I didn't have the right to feel how I did. I saw her with others, the way she laughed with peridot, the way she touched her. I longed to share jokes or converse with her at all, I wanted her fingers to touch mine and I got angry and jealous and it wasn't my right, she is her own person and I just wanted her to be in my life in a positive way rather than my hatred for her which was fake. And then they took her, they took her and broke her and forced her to stay. I think that's what did it for me, that's what tipped me over the edge, I couldn't handle myself anymore, I rotted from the inside out, I got stronger, physically and mentally shut myself out from the world build all the walls so no one could knock them down, I got callous and I got weaker at the same time, I hated everything because I hated them. That was me.

Inside that mirror with my cracked Gem I was worthless, I felt worthless. I couldn't communicate, I couldn't feel anything except pain and loneliness. I missed her, I needed her back in my life again even though she wasn't really there to begin with. With others I craved her and only her, I needed her to be safe but then they took me, they took me away, broke me, it was so long until the boy saved me. Steven. I just wanted to go home, so I ran, I took their ocean because I was still broken, until he healed me, then I could run. I ran to her and the cold dead look in her eyes faded, I couldn't stop crying as I ran into her arms, we both cried that night, we cried until we were exhausted and could speak no more. Then we danced, that beautiful dance, we glided around the floor like it was ice with her hand in mine keeping me steady I felt at home, no words were spoken but every dip and every spin, there was no violence, oh so gentle. I couldn't help but smile as I felt a twinge of pain in my back and then darkness. That was me.

As soon as she was back she was gone, her tearlike gem motionless on the cold green floor, I reached down and picked it up with such caution as to not break it but to never let it go again. It seemed like months I watched that gem, lifeless resting on my desk as I worked, often getting so sleep deprived peridot frequently asked to watch her so I could sleep, but even when I slept I could only think of hurting them for hurting her, but that's when I changed, I got colder again and blocked important things out, it took time and planning to organise the raid on their base and by the time it came around I was a shell of what she once knew, so much so once we began our trip I put her gem in a cell so they couldn't take her from me again, but sometime during the journey she came back but she was sad and alone, thinking God knows what sat in that cell used for the criminals, I treated her like a criminal when it wasn't her fault, I did this to her, I felt like such a monster. But that was me.

From darkness I was ready, I was fully healed and it was time, I felt the piercing light come from the darkness only to be replace with cold green walls and metal bars restricting me, what had I done to be put in here, what had I don't to her that she felt fit to put me in here, I felt numb I couldn't speak, I curled up mindlessly into a ball and sat in silence. That wasn't me.

I fought so hard with garnet, so jealous of what she had with ruby and sapphire, spewing useless insults "fusion makes weak gems stronger" but in all I could think about was fusing with her and making her happy, but I fought and fought but with all of my anger her love was more intense and as she threw me into the core and the ship was going down all I could do was apologise and hope she'd be okay after the crash.

"I'm sorry Lapis, this isn't me."

I felt the ship groan under its own weight and fall rapidly, every thing crashing down around me, a large container crashed into the console for my cell, shattering it and releasing the bars, freedom seemed so close but was taken as the cell crashed down on top of me.

"I'm sorry jasper, I couldn't help."

As I stumbled out of the wreckage, I tried to stand but my legs wouldn't support my of weight, I wasn't strong anymore, I was weak like I'd always been deep down, I looked around for any sign of Lapis but there was no movement, I had such a sinking feeling that was replaced with anger and rage, I tried to run at the gems but as I got closer I heard rocks moving and a shout at Lapis fell from the ruins, but this time I was too far gone. She tried to fly away but I grabbed her from the air

"Lapis listen, fuse with me!" I saw the terrified look in her eyes as my grip on her tightened

"What?" I grabbed her chin and made her look at me

"How long did they keep you trapped here on this miserable hunk of rock?" I let her go as she fell to the ground, careful not to make a sound

"Come on, just say yes." She stood and looked at the gems who were primed to fight although in their weakened state, she offered me her hand and I took it, the dance lacked emotion, static and rough, I was surprised the fusion worked, fusion is meant to have emotion and trust but I think that day that was all gone, I just wanted to hurt them for what they did to her and I let that take over from me and as we stood towering over everything I felt scared, I tried to move us but water shackles bound our legs, this was Lapis fighting back, she knew we would be a force to be dealt with and that the anger inside would take over and she fought back, all I heard whilst being dragged into the ocean was

"I am nobodies prisoner."

I fought and tried so hard to break free but everything turned to black as I saw the light fade as we got deeper. I felt regret and sadness that I had caused this and she was trying to help.

There's nothing anymore, I can't hear, I can't see, I can't smell, I can't taste and I can't touch. I can't allow myself to do any of those things anymore. I can't hear her melodic laugh trailing down the corridors, I can't smell the air in the room change when she enters, I can't taste her brisk kisses, stolen for no one to see but us and I can't touch her soft skin, feel it rise and fall with every breath. All of that's been taken away from me, I'm a monster, I don't deserve the happiness in my life that she presented, I loved her and I don't know if she knew, I hurt her and the only thing I deserve is hurt, I can't concentrate anymore, not on that. I'm a monster. I'm malachite.

There's nothing anymore, I can't hear, I can't see, I can't smell, I can't taste and I can't touch. I can't allow myself to do any of those things anymore. I can't hear her protests when I touch a sensitive spot on "accident" and watch her strong frame crumple into fits of laughter, I can't see the brief expression changes when I catch her smile at the small things, forgetting there's no one around so there's no shade of pride just joy, I can't smell her on my body the day after the night before and revel in the comfort and feel the safety she presents, I can't taste the contrary of the bitter and sweet on her lips, or the concern when she's worried about me, I can't run my fingers through her hair or feel the quiver of her hand as we dance, this was the only way, I need to keep her safe, I love her so I have to concentrate. I'm malachite.


End file.
